The Guilt We Carry: How to Forgive After the Nest is Empty

As I sit in the quiet of my home, a new, unsettling emotion has crept into the spaces once filled with the sounds of family life—guilt. It’s a strange feeling, one that wasn’t part of the “After the Nest is Empty” package I had prepared myself for. But here it is, heavy and persistent.

This guilt isn’t just about the big things, like how I raised my son or how I guided my nieces. It’s about the little things that have piled up over time—the moments I was too tired, too distracted, or too strict. And even more confusing, it’s about the moments when I find myself actually enjoying the silence, the freedom, and the newfound time I now have to focus on myself after the nest is empty.

Read more: When the Nest Empties: My Unexpected Emotional Rollercoaster

Reflecting on the Past: Did I Do Enough?

One of the hardest parts of this new phase is the endless reflection. When the kids were here, life was so full that there wasn’t much time to dwell on what could have been done differently. But now, with all this time on my hands after the nest is empty, I can’t help but replay certain moments in my mind.

I think about whether I spent enough quality time with them or if I was too focused on work and daily responsibilities. I remember how I moved out from my parents’ house and how my relationship with my mom wasn’t as close as I wanted. My dad was my go-to, and I always felt my mom was too strict and overbearing. Even though I was a good student and rarely got into any trouble, I never felt trusted. I thought I was creating a better relationship with my son, but now I’m questioning if I really succeeded.

Did I unknowingly pass on that same strictness, that same overbearing nature to my son? Did I make him feel like he wasn’t trusted, even when he was doing his best? These thoughts are hard to shake, and they add another layer to the guilt I already carry.

This reflection has also made me realize something even more personal—how this lack of trust has become a trigger in my relationships. Whenever I feel like someone doubts my intentions or doesn’t trust me, I’m immediately taken back to those feelings I had growing up. It’s a pattern I’m only now beginning to understand, and it’s something I know I need to work through, but that’s a topic for another day.

The Isolation of Guilt

The silence of an empty house is unlike any other. It’s not just the absence of noise—it’s the absence of the constant connection I once had with my son and nieces. After the nest is empty, the phone doesn’t ring every few hours like it used to. With that silence comes a creeping fear that maybe I didn’t do enough, that maybe I failed as a mother and an aunt.

I realize now that I’ve been carrying the expectation that I would do better than my own mom. And maybe in some ways I did, but in others, I fear I’ve repeated the same mistakes. The guilt is isolating, making it feel like I’m the only one who hasn’t managed to get this part of life right.

The Guilt of Enjoying the Silence

And then there’s the guilt that comes when I actually find myself enjoying this silence. For the first time in decades, I don’t have the responsibility of taking care of someone else. There’s a strange sense of freedom in being able to focus on myself—my needs, my wants, my time. But this new reality after the nest is empty sometimes feels wrong.

But even in those moments of enjoyment, the guilt sneaks in. How can I find joy in something that feels so empty? How can I relish in the quiet when it’s a reminder that the people I love are no longer here with me? It feels selfish, even wrong, to appreciate this newfound freedom. I question if by enjoying this time after the nest is empty, I’m somehow betraying my role as a mother and aunt.

Forgiveness: A Path Forward After the Nest is Empty

But here’s the thing about guilt: it can either keep us trapped in the past, or it can be a catalyst for growth. The challenge now is to forgive myself—not just for what I might have done wrong, but for what I did right, too. Forgiving myself for needing this time, for wanting this space, for being human.

I’m beginning to understand that guilt is often a sign that we care deeply, and caring is something to be proud of, not ashamed. Forgiving myself doesn’t mean forgetting or dismissing the mistakes I’ve made—it means acknowledging them, learning from them, and letting go of the burden they carry. It’s about giving myself the same grace I would offer a friend in a similar situation.

3 Ways I Overcame Guilt After the Nest is Empty

As I navigated through the waves of guilt after becoming an empty nester, here are three steps I took to help myself move forward:

1. Sought Connection: I found that talking to others who had experienced similar feelings made a big difference. Whether it was through therapy, support groups, or conversations with friends, connecting with others helped me feel less isolated in my guilt and more supported in my journey to overcome it.
2. Practiced Self-Compassion: I realized that being hard on myself wasn’t helping anyone. So, I started treating myself with the same kindness and understanding I would offer a close friend in my situation. I reminded myself that I did the best I could with the knowledge and resources I had at the time.
3. Reframed My Thoughts: Instead of constantly focusing on what I believed I did wrong, I began to reframe my thoughts to acknowledge what I did right. I reflected on the positive memories and the ways I showed up for my son and nieces. This shift in perspective started to alleviate some of the guilt I was carrying.

Tell Your Story:

If you’re struggling with guilt after your children have left the nest, know that you’re not alone. It’s okay to feel uncertain, to reflect on the past, and to question your choices. But it’s also important to forgive yourself, to recognize that you did the best you could with what you knew at the time. And it’s okay to enjoy this new chapter of your life, to take pleasure in the quiet, and to find peace in focusing on yourself.

This journey of self-rediscovery is challenging, but it’s also an opportunity to grow, to heal, and to find peace in the quiet moments. And perhaps, in forgiving ourselves, we can create a new chapter that is defined not by guilt, but by self-compassion and acceptance.

Reflection Corner:

• Have you felt guilt before, and what did you do to get past it?
• What do you do when you feel guilt?

Resources to Help You Navigate Guilt and Self-Discovery After the Nest is Empty

Here are four resources that helped me, and I believe they could support you on your journey as well:

1. Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC) Program:
   This program, developed by Dr. Kristin Neff and Dr. Christopher Germer, offers practical tools and exercises to help you cultivate self-compassion, which can be especially helpful in overcoming guilt. The website also provides free guided meditations and exercises that you can start using right away.
2. Brene Brown’s Books and Podcasts:
   Brene Brown’s work on vulnerability, shame, and self-compassion has been instrumental for many, including myself. Her books like “Daring Greatly” and “The Gifts of Imperfection” offer insights and strategies for overcoming guilt and embracing self-compassion. Her podcast, “Unlocking Us,” features discussions that could resonate with you as well.
3. Therapy for Black Girls:
   This resource offers a directory to help you find therapists who can support women of color in their mental health journey. It also includes a podcast and blog with various topics related to mental health, self-care, and personal growth, tailored specifically for Black women. This could be a valuable tool if you’re seeking connection and support.
4. Miracle Works Therapy:
   My therapist at Miracle Works Therapy has been a crucial part of my journey in overcoming guilt and rediscovering myself. Their holistic approach, which combines traditional therapy with mindfulness practices, could be an invaluable resource for anyone struggling with similar feelings.