Here’s a dating mistake I’ve made more than once: confusing “dating for stability” with finding true compatibility. Trust me, they’re not the same thing. And it took me a long time to figure that out. Spoiler: a stable father figure doesn’t necessarily make a stable partner.
Have you ever felt like you were dating for stability rather than true connection? What did that look like for you?
What Does “Dating for Stability” Really Mean?
Let’s rewind to when my son was two. I’d been a single mom for a couple of years, balancing parenting on my own and feeling the weight of society’s expectations. Then I met a man who seemed perfect—and so dang fine. He could’ve burned my house down and I’d still be infatuated. Handsome, talented, a sculptor by passion and a graphic designer by trade, he treated me like royalty. My family adored him, and my son loved him even more. If someone asked my son if this man was his dad, he’d proudly say, “No, my best friend.” It felt like a dream come true.
But there was one problem: I’d confused dating for stability and the idea that it would lead to long-term happiness. I saw his ease with my son and his bond with my family as signs of deep emotional compatibility. In hindsight, we had very little in common beyond a love for creativity and some sexual chemistry. I’d projected an idealized “family” onto him without truly considering who we were as individuals. I think he’d done the same.
The Cost of Dating for Stability: Losing Myself in the Illusion
For months, things seemed perfect. We got engaged quickly, caught up in what felt like a whirlwind, once-in-a-lifetime connection. But over time, I found myself fading into the background of my own life. He had strong ideas about what our family should look like and the roles we each should play. I went along with them—even when they didn’t sit well with me. I thought that by dating for stability and keeping him happy, I’d be giving my son the stable family I’d always dreamed of. But in doing so, I was sacrificing my own happiness and sense of self.
Looking back, I can see this dynamic more clearly. I’d felt pressure to give my son the family structure I’d grown up with. As a Black woman, I also felt a cultural expectation to be “strong,” to hold it all together and never let anyone see me struggle. But here’s the truth: choosing stability over connection doesn’t always lead to happiness. It often leads to resentment and self-sacrifice. Society idealizes the “complete family,” but no one tells you that “complete” doesn’t mean “whole” if you’re not truly fulfilled.
Reflective Question: Have you ever been so focused on dating for stability that you ignored your deeper needs? What did you end up sacrificing in the process?
Supporting Resource:
For anyone who has struggled with balancing personal happiness and family roles, Esther Perel’s TED Talk on “The Secret to Desire in a Long-term Relationship” provides powerful insights.
Why Do We Fall Into the Trap?
Growing up with both my parents, I had a clear picture of what family “should” look like. I always envisioned the same structure for my son: two parents, a shared life, stability. And, also didn’t want to be seen as “just” a baby mama. I worried that people would judge me if he didn’t grow up with a father figure.
When this man appeared—kind to my son and loved by my family—I told myself he was “the one.” I bought into the idea that dating for stability meant finding the right partner. I was also afraid of being labeled as “the woman who threw away a good man.” He was everything society tells us to look for: stable, reliable, good with kids. How could I justify leaving someone like that? I felt like I had to be grateful, like he was the perfect solution to my single-mom struggles.
Over time, I found myself letting go of my own dreams to live out his vision of family life. He wanted me to be a stay-at-home wife, while I longed for a career. He wanted all my time, yet I needed space to grow. Instead of setting boundaries or speaking up, I kept quiet. I told myself that by making these sacrifices, I was creating a better life for my son. In reality, I was hiding my true self.
The Pressure to Date for Stability Over Personal Fulfillment
Many of us fall into the ‘dating for stability’ trap because we’re taught to prioritize family structure over personal fulfillment. For Black women, there’s often an added pressure to uphold a strong family image or to be seen as resilient and self-sacrificing. But being “good with kids” doesn’t automatically mean “good for you,” and strength doesn’t mean giving up your own joy.
Reflective Question: Are you pursuing the life you genuinely want, or simply fulfilling an ideal you feel you “should” want?
Being ‘good with kids’ doesn’t automatically mean ‘good for you,’ and strength doesn’t mean giving up your own joy.
– Quincy. B
Recommendation: Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a licensed clinical psychologist, speaks extensively about the importance of setting boundaries in relationships. Her podcast Navigating Narcissism offers valuable insights for anyone who has struggled with prioritizing their needs. Even in non-toxic relationships like mine.
The Turning Point: Realizing ‘Dating for Stability’ Isn’t Enough
The realization didn’t hit me all at once; it came quietly, almost like a whisper I could no longer ignore. One night, I lied about where I was going just to feel free for an hour. I told him I was running an errand, but really, I was sitting in my car, savoring an iced latte and reading a novel in peace. I remember thinking, When did my life become something I needed to escape?
That moment of clarity marked the beginning of the end. The life I was living wasn’t mine. It was a life I thought I needed to create for my son’s sake. He wasn’t demanding or controlling in obvious ways. But I realized I’d quietly molded myself to fit his idea of family, without ever sharing my own vision. The price was too high, and the longer I stayed, the more I risked showing my son a distorted view of relationships—one where his mom was invisible.
Leaving him wasn’t easy, and I wrestled with guilt. I’d spent years telling myself that being a good mom meant making sacrifices, but I’d misunderstood what kind of sacrifices truly mattered. I finally realized that the best thing I could do for my son was to be a mother who was whole, happy, and fulfilled. But even with this insight, it wasn’t what finally ended things. That decision took time—and another moment of clarity.
Related Post: If you’re navigating a similar path, know that embracing singlehood can be a powerful step toward rediscovering your inner strength and joy. Check out my post on how embracing singlehood helped me find my magic: Embracing Singlehood: Rediscovering My Magic.
Resource on Boundaries:
Nedra Tawwab’s workbook, Set Boundaries, Find Peace, is fantastic for those who struggle with setting boundaries. It guides readers on how to find personal peace while respecting relationships.
Dating on My Terms
After that relationship, I navigated a couple of situationships that helped me uncover my true desires. In my 30s, I stopped dating for stability and started dating to build a life that I’d genuinely love. Each experience, imperfect as it was, taught me more about what I wanted and needed in a partner.
In each relationship, I learned something about myself. I remember dating someone incredibly thoughtful. He’d send cute texts, plan fun dates, and make me feel special. But as we got to know each other, it became clear that our futures didn’t align. He wanted to settle down and have more children. But with my son already 16, I was ready to enter a new chapter of freedom and creativity. That relationship taught me an important distinction: there’s a difference between someone who cares for you and someone who truly sees you.
Here’s What Dating for Me Looks Like Now:
- Emotional connection over role-filling: I’m no longer seeking someone to “complete” a family unit. I want a partner who respects me and brings joy into my life.
- Shared joy and independence: My happiness is non-negotiable. I want someone who not only understands but celebrates my journey—and has a fulfilling journey of his own.
- Respect for my autonomy: I need someone who values my independence and doesn’t try to mold me into a role. Instead, he appreciates me exactly as I am.
Reflective Question: Are your current dating goals aligned with your personal happiness, or are they influenced by what you think others expect?
Supporting Resource:
Brené Brown’s TED Talk on “The Power of Vulnerability” offers insight on embracing authenticity and releasing external expectations.
A Message to My Younger Self
If I could talk to my younger self, I’d remind her that she didn’t need to put herself last to be a great mom. She could date for her own happiness and didn’t have to fulfill anyone else’s expectations. The right relationship wouldn’t define her life; it would enhance it.
I’d also tell her that a “perfect family” is less about appearances and more about love, respect, and support. If you can’t be your authentic self in a relationship, then it’s not a true partnership. Yes, you can be both a strong woman and someone who prioritizes her own needs—those two things can coexist.
This message is just as relevant today. Many people still find themselves dating for qualities that fit someone else’s vision of being “complete.” But relationships can be so much more meaningful when we let go of these expectations.
The Journey Continues
So, here I am—no longer single (more to come on that), but still very much learning. I spent years of finding my own magic. Now, I’m learning how to be in a relationship while staying true to myself. This time, I’m approaching love with purpose, boundaries, and a commitment to my own happiness. My joy is still mine; my peace is still mine, and now I get to share it with someone who values that too.
Reflective Question: What has being in a relationship taught you about yourself? How are you navigating the balance between love and self-discovery?
Resources for Women Rediscovering Themselves in Relationships
- Happy Black Women – for wellness, mental health, and empowerment.
- The Self-Love Fix – for building self-love and confidence.
- Journey with Quincy on Pinterest – for inspiration on love, self-care, and self-discovery at every stage.
“If you’ve experienced something similar on your journey, I’d love to hear your story in the comments below. Looking for a supportive community of women embracing self-discovery and wellness come join the Journey with Quincy Facebook group. Or subscribe to my YouTube channel for more insights on love, growth, and empowerment.”
